Hallucinations of the Prinsediran XX: I Am Beginning To [Be Human]

It is meant to be an era of new beginnings, and Moi has not been left out. Like the rest who are ‘obsessed with the idea of long life on earth’, Moi said to me;

I am beginning to hate those who hate me
I am beginning to love those who love me.
I am beginning to hate silence, the silence of the silent ones.

I am beginning to think of those who think of me
I am beginning to forget those who forgot me.
I am beginning to sting the weak, a mouth full of praises for the strong.

I am beginning to gossip about those who gossip about me
I beginning to love myself more than my neighbours.
I am beginning to fling those who flung me, and off to find those who found me.

I am beginning to betray you
I am beginning to tell stories about you.
I am beginning to make mistakes on purpose, and make an apology for things I plan to do again.

I am beginning to desire your homes
I am beginning to desire your jobs
I am beginning to desire your food.
I am beginning to crave your happiness
I am beginning to wish you sadness.

I am beginning to crave for bad news
I am beginning to create bad news.
I am beginning to love the downfall of my enemies.

I am beginning to be human.
But until that transition is complete, don’t assume I am there yet;
For I still love silence.


Hallucinations of the Prinsediran XIV: [You Will Not Remember] My Fear

I am afraid I am here again, but yet I am not afraid of Moi, rather very delighted to see Moi again. A smile, a hug and after a pat on the back, Moi said, “I am afraid of time, I am afraid of what it can do to you. Will you ever remember I said these things to you? Those moments when it was just me [Moi] and you against your own self?”

My fear is that you’ll get so old you’ll never remember the days of your youth, the days we were alone together. Yet I am anxious to see you grow old because I want to see how much you’ll remember…then you’ll realise what was truly important even to your own brain, even in old age.

My fear is that you may never remember the good times.

I fear I’ll get things so wrong that nothing was ever right.

I fear I’ll make you cry so hard that there was never a moment you smiled.

I fear I’ll dream so much that life becomes too short.

My fear is that you’ll come to despise and hate me so much that love laughs and says, “Aha, I told you I was never there.”

My fear is that your feet will become so dry you will never recall how I creamed them.

My fear is that I myself will become so lonely I forget I ever had company.

My fear is that I’ll stay alive too long in this world that I’ll lose faith in the beautiful things to come.

My fear is that you’ll catch me smiling and you’ll fail to realise that I’ve been crying most of my life.

I fear I’ll sound too complicated that you’ll never agree you did understand me, most of the time

My fear is that we’ll grow so apart that you’ll become convinced that we were never meant to be.

My fear is that the [your] walls which you built will become so dirty you’ll cease to recall how I painted them with beautiful colours.

My fear is that you’ll pray so loud you fail to hear that I have the answers, moreso you fail to give me the answers you have to my own prayers

My fear is that this light will get so bright, no I won’t forget darkness, I will only crave for it, for I and you have become men [migraineurs] who for many years now the light has been trying to kill us.

Even when the rain beats on you so much, I fear our umbrella must have been lost.

Memories fade, yet your image in my mirror, the broken mirror, is all I can still see… My fear is that my real self is locked in your own mirror, waiting to be free.

Above all, my fear is that you will not remember my fears.

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran XII: Learn First [How To Love Her]

The heart still beats, the brain still spins, the hands still move, an ink-bender must have no rest, unless when Moi speaks again to Me, reminding me of things I pretend that I have forgotten to remember, then we are here again.

You know how to love your parents, your neighbors, your acquaintances, your pets, your food, your cloths, your job, your property, your life, your religion, your hometown, your house. You love your thoughts, your abilities, your responsibilities, your writing, your singing, your talking, your sleep…and you are yet to learn how to love her.

You can write about people, animals, places, things, in the sky, under the earth, on trees, hills, oceans, valleys and mountains. You can write melodies, music, stories, events, games, fantasies… and not one good thing have you written about her.

You make your family smile, you make those around you smile, your acquaintances, your work colleagues, your boss, your neighbors, and strangers alike…and you cannot make her smile.

The same way it goes for the few people you meet, your neighbors, your colleagues, your families, animals alike, you do make them happy… Tell me [Moi], why don’t you make her happy?

You gained the trust of the people who know you, those who seek your counsel, those who love you unconditionally. Yet with all these testimonies on your behalf you struggle to gain her trust.

To the best of your ability you have provided different needs of different degrees to different people, places and things…yet even to the best of the best of your ability you always fail to provide for her needs.

To the best of your ability you have saved different people from different degrees and manners of problems and troubles…yet even to the best of the best of your ability and for yourself, you cannot save her for Me.

The blessings abound, God has indeed been faithful. He has provided unto you and has yet not restricted you to have anything you want. Tell me [Moi], why did you fail to have her?

You know your capability when you are with acquaintances, family, classmates, in workplaces, house, churches, halls, balls, gatherings, out in the open public in general. You know what to give and what not to give, when to give and how to give. Yet you do not know what to give to her.

You know your personality when with acquaintances, family, classmates, in workplaces, houses, churches, halls, balls, out in the open public in general. You know what to say and what not to say, when to say and how to say. Yet you cannot control who you are around her.

You have never been tied down, you have never been troubled, you are skilled at leaving problems behind you. Count and count, number by number, times without number, I have seen you leave your “friends”, family, colleagues, places, houses, people… But now I have seen that you cannot leave her.

And yes Me asked Moi, I know you, I know my people, I know my parents, I know my acquaintances, I know my job, my pets, my food, my clothes, my hobbies, my property, my things, my neighbors, my name; I know my food, animals, places, things, I have knowledge of the sky, the earth, the hills, valleys, oceans and mountains and the public in general. Yet, Moi, I do not know who this “her” is.

Yes, Me, that is why you will fail her. You need to learn first how to love her…

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran XI: You Should Know [This Is Not A Poem]

The sound of the violin, from the background, gaining pace. We are floating thru peace, grace and love. Brain and heart, all in one pace. Up stands Moi, down sits Me, and Moi said to the ever attentive me,

“You should know this is not a poem, it is not a prose, proverb, psalm or poetry. It is not a song, ode or rhyme.”
It is neither for romance nor entertainment; it is just for you, for you and for you alone to know.

You should know you stole my heart and I can’t love again.
You should know you stole my voice and I can’t speak again.
You should know you stole my eyes, beauty I can’t behold again.
You should know you stole my hand and I can’t write again.
You should know you stole my lips and I can’t kiss again.

You should know you’ve skinned me alive and I can’t feel warmth any longer.
You should know you’ve infiltrated my brain and I cannot think again.
You should know you’ve stolen my very nature, I am no longer a phantom, no longer invisible, nor invincible, all long gone and I’m not a phoenix any longer, nor a ghost. Yet I’m unseen, unknown, unheard, unsung.

You should know you stole my breath, but I am still here. Now I’ll never die… Yet, am I alive?
You should know I was in love, you should know you were not.
You should know you stole my appetite, I’ll never be satisfied.
You should know you stole my innocence, I’ll never be acquitted.
You should know you stole my cheeks, I may never smile again.

But yes, you should know..your presence has not departed. Yet you should know you left no [good] words behind for I was in love with myself alone,

You should know I find it hard to end things properly, so… ❤ 😀

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran X: The Delusions [Of Prinsdeur]: I Am Fast Asleep

And in an unprecedented event, fortunately, or rather unfortunately, my hallucinations met my delusions, sleeping or awake, how it happened, Me do not know. And of course, Moi said to Me, “let me [Moi] explain this to you, O Prinsdeur, for I am His Dextrezza, The Very First Prinsediran to roam this realm.

You are here, but at every point in time, four or more things happen to you in a precise sequence, this you are very sure of. And Prinsdeur said,

“I am in love.
I am about to get married.
I am sleeping.
I am going to wake up from that dream.”

I am a Prince
I am building my palace in Phandira
I am fast asleep
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am a General
I am currently fighting for the peace of the world
I am totally asleep
I am going to arise from that nightmare.

I am an evangelist
I am uniting the Church
I am fast asleep
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am a writer – stories, songs, events, games, realities, fantasies, shows.
I am the First Pen Bender
I am the Last Ink Bender
I am an award winner
I am going to sleep
I am going to dream about it.

I am an educator
I am building my university in Wuzybury
I am fast asleep
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am a father
I am awaiting my daughter, K.K. Jemima
I am awaiting my 70 sons
I am snoring
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am a city builder
I am raising structures throughout the states
I am fast asleep
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am an administrator
I am governing my people
I am fast asleep
I am going to wake up from that dream.

I am a philanthropist
I am lending a helping hand.
I am going to sleep
I am going to dream about it.

I am Prince [Amen-Diosdesea] Ewuzie Odira’ C.C: Prince of Wuzybury
I am still alive.
P/S: I am not deluded

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran VII: All The Same [Don’t Forget Me]

… and on one of those few times Moi is audible enough and Me is less lazy to pen down, Moi said to Me,

I am afraid I won’t do anything that will worth a space in your memory, but then, remember me all the same.

I won’t say any word worth memorising, but, memorise them all the same.

I will never sing a song worth dancing to… Dance to my music all the same.

I won’t love you the way you want, I may never be lovable, never your “type”; love me all the same.

I won’t write a poem or symphony worth listening to; listen to them all the same.

One is not worth the sorrow when they are gone, no hole or vacuum created, but then, try as much as you can, try to shed a drop of tear when one is gone…as for me, feel free to cry all the same.

I will never write a script worth acting; act them all the same.

One cannot have a number of gifts large enough for everyone… accept them all the same, as little as they come.

You may never come across kids the way you like them, all the same, I beg, world, treat the children right.

I may never come on time… don’t call me late though… even when I’m finally lifeless, don’t call me late all the same.

Me, you know I’ll never speak wisdom worth taking serious; hearken to my voice all the same.

Even in your selfishness and greed, thoughts of one’s self and maybe family alone, as hard as you may find it, with nothing to offer, think of your neighbour all the same.

For Moi, I am nobody, never seen, never heard, never known, absolutely invisible, yet invincible; and please, whatever you do, wherever you are, don’t forget me, and I’ll remember you all the same.

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran VI: Random [Say To Them].

Listening to Moi again saying to me;

Say to them, “Dear people of God, I hate to believe the devil is much more innovative.” Tis he does because you have refused to walk in the ancient paths.

Say to your child, “When you interact with people, you’ll see the essence of all I’ve been teaching you, my dear child.”

Say to the writers and readers alike, “The more I read, the more I become a nobody, the more I become somebody else. I must write to stay alive.”

Say to them who hate and are hated alike, “People will hate you in the future, you must not be one of them [Love yourself].”

Say to unappreciated, “People will forget what you did for them… Learn to appreciate yourself.”

Say to the lover boy, “Do not underestimate love… If you fall into that pit with an ungrateful person… God bless your soul.”

Say to the ignorant, “You can’t pretend to be ignorant. You actually don’t know you don’t really know.”

Say to your wife, “Responsibility for an action that led to a reaction must be taken first before the reaction is discussed, dear wife.”

Identify with the heartbroken, “I lay all day feeling sorry that it is broken. It floats all day and night pumping more blood to keep us awake… Stupid heart.”

Say to the dark skinned, “The problem of Africa is Education. Yes, innovative people spend so much time reading for stupid exams.”

Say to the detective, “When you are being forced to tell a lie in place of the truth just to please those that didn’t believe you in the first place… Walk away from stupid people.”

Say to the defendant, “The most selfish form of self defence is people dwelling on counting your sins to avoid theirs from being counted [and people counting your blessings just to hide their own blessings].”

Say to the unhappy, “You can’t be faking happiness. You simply hate the idea of the wrong person actually making you happy once in a while.”

Say to the ‘Bounty’ hunter, “If on Sunday your neighbour tells you his son can do anything for chocolates and you can’t find your chocolates on Monday, the boy’s burial should be on Saturday, of course.”

Remember some people? The ones who think? Congratulate some people for they have succeeded in falling out of ‘love’ with you; remember we are still trying to do the same.

Say to the Lord, “I thank Thee for the gift of new eyes everyday, just like a new born baby, they’ll hurt when they are used too early, yet its a necessary pain to avert seeing hatred and the troubles of yesterday.”

Say to end time, “I hope my health doesn’t beat you to our grave”

Say to Moi, be calm now.

Be calm now, I’ll say to you again.

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran V: [I Cannot Do] Without You

Today WE are three- me, moi and a rhythmic voice, loud and low, every second. And the voice spoke;

I live with you, I live in you, I live for you, I live from you, I live as you, I live around you, I live within you, but I cannot live without you.

I care for you, I care from you, I care in you, I care as you, I care about you, I [take] care of you, I care within you but I cannot care without you.

I love from you, I love as you, I love for you [your sake], I love in you, I love with you, I love within you and I cannot love without you.

I fear for you, I fear in you, I fear from you, I fear as you, I fear with you, I fear within you, but I cannot be afraid without you.

I laugh from you, I laugh like you, I laugh as you, I laugh for you, I laugh in you, I laugh around you, I laugh within you, I laugh at you [sometimes], but I surely cannot laugh without you.

I smile for you, I smile from you, I smile [because] of you, I smile in you, I smile at you, I smile about you, I smile with you, I smile as you, I smile within you, but I’ve never smiled without you.

I speak for you, I speak as you, I speak in you, I speak from you, I speak to you, I speak thru you, I speak with you, I speak within you but never without you.

I sweat for you, from you, as you, in you, with you, within you, but never without you.

I burn and hunger for you, with you, as you, as in you, in you and from you; within you of course, but without you, there is no hunger.

I fight for you, I fight with you, I fight from you, I fight in you, as you, within you, as in you, and surely there’s no fight without you.

I long for you, from you, with you, in you, as you, as in you, to [have] you, within you; no hope, no spark, no waiting, no holding on, no longing for nothing without you.

I die for you, I die as you, I die in you, I die from you, I die thru you, I die with you, I die within you, but I cannot die without you.

I break for you, from you, as you, in you, with you, within you, but I cannot be broken without you [your passion, your mistakes, never mine].

I beat in you, I beat for you, I beat as you, I beat from you, with you, thru you and within you, try I may, but yet, I cannot beat without you.

Look no further, my Prince, for I am here for you, from you, as you, in you, around you, thru you, because of you, with you, as in you, and very well within you, and I am not and have never for once been without you.
I am [your] heart, the [Prince] Agradable, be close now for all these ye also cannot do without me.

Me smiled, for I am me.

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran (IV): [I am] Falsely Accused

Feeling sad and angry about what Moi heard about Moi, Moi said to the ever present Me;

I have been falsely accused over and over again, nobody understands what I do, or why I do what I do. They just choose to misunderstand me all the time.

They say I cry easily, but sincerely speaking, I DON’T cry easily. I only happen to shed tears as a result of a strongly felt emotion, you know, it’s not as if I do that too often, just frequently, at very short intervals too. 😦

You can imagine being accused of being in love with someone, *spits out* I don’t love anybody for God’s sake! I just feel a profoundly tender, passionate affection for someone. A feeling of warm personal attachment and deep affection! That’s not love, is it??

Last night a fellow said I know how to sing. I totally don’t know how to sing, I’ve never sang in my whole life. Though I do make music with my voice, you know, use my voice to make words or sounds in a musical way.

Then a critic said I do hate some people; that got me thinking again. Some people also claim I hate them; that is so outrageous. I don’t hate anybody, I just dislike them intensely. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes they also say I eat too much, and they are totally wrong again. I’m always fasting, just that I take in edible substances thru my mouth and swallow them every hour, every day, all year round, except when I’m asleep.

I don’t hate light as some people will want to believe. My eyes just have a very low tolerance for light, and I avoid it by every means possible.

I don’t talk too much! Do I even talk at all? I simply express myself by speaking readily, regularly, and at length too.

They also get this part wrong about me; I am so so not kindhearted! I am just friendly and sympathetic and sometimes generous by nature.

I am totally not a Christian as most people will accuse me of being one. I’m just a believer in Jesus Christ and I believe He is my Lord and Saviour.

I don’t write, unlike what some people keep saying. I just put down alphabets and notes and numbers on paper using a pen. Most times I just type them into my phone or laptop.

Don’t get this twisted, I don’t laugh! Why should I laugh? There’s no reason to laugh, absolutely none. I only make sounds from my throat while breathing out as a way of expressing amusement.

Likewise smiling… they also claim I smile, but I don’t really smile. I only raise the corners of my mouth cheerfully to express my happiness.

And then they’ll say I sleep too much, which in the right sense I don’t really sleep at all. Most times during the day and night my body just goes into a state of partial or full unconsciousness, I will be totally inactive and my eyes will be shut, snoring some of the time.

And when I was younger, I was cautioned about fighting other kids which I never did. I never fought anybody. Those days we only engaged in battles and single combat in an attempt to defend myself against another kid or to defeat, subdue or destroy another kid who was trying to defend himself against me.

All these while, I was totally innocent! 😦

Hallucinations of the Prinsediran (III): SOME PEOPLE [think]

And yet again Moi said to Me;

Some people think you have the time to hate them.

Some people think you have the heart to hurt them.

Some people think you have the zeal to fight them.

Some people think you have the strength to “revenge.”

Some people think you have the acumen to plan evil.

Some people overrate themselves and want to believe they have the power to offend you.

Some people lack the basic definition of the word “Problem” and hence they tend to believe they can cause you “problems.”

Some people hype a bad event and classify it as unforgivable.

Some people just wish to see you as an enemy where they are meant to have a friend.

Some people have friends who only push them to fight a friend who would have pushed them to go for peace.

Some people think love is only meant for friends and not for an enemy-wannabe.

Some people, Moi said, will surely, obviously, most definitely sit at home and think this write up is for them…

Those people? *smh* Those people have time they need to lend me to spend on more useful and progressive issues.

I just love some people, and I mean it.